The day when things change… (Father’s Day)

When Eli was a baby I used to take him on a walk through downtown Roanoke while Angie read Ethan bedtime stories.  This worked out well since Ethan didn’t get much “mommy time” during the day with a baby in the house.  It also worked out for me since I didn’t get too much baby time with Eli (and if I was in charge for more than 30 minutes it put me in charge of the dirty diaper too!).

Last fall when Eli was 2, I took him on walks, but he didn’t fall asleep and my back was killing me after 10 blocks.  Tonight I took him on the normal route along Main Street, from First to Fifth.  This started when we were working on flipping a house two years ago and I’d walk back at night to admire my work from the street.  Tonight we said goodnight to all things in Roanoke:  the flags, the fish in Alice’s pond, the streetlights, the trees, Caroll’s delivery trucks, the creek, etc.  Only after we’ve said goodnight to all things outdoors will he tuck his head in my neck and begin to relax.

Tonight he fell asleep with his head on my shoulder – no pacifier.  This was a delight and pleasant suprise.  As we turned back towards town I usually cradle him sideways and let him rest in my arms instead of my shoulder.  As I walked and looked at his face in the streetlights/moonlight I noticed that his baby chub is starting to disappear with summer activities and age 3 agressively approaching.  His body no longer folds within the bounds of my arms and his legs dangle from the knee as we walk.  His cheeks are no longer plush, but slimming into a boyhood face. 

Tonight things changed.  My two year old is on the verge of 3 and appeared as a young child more than a toddler.  I guess I need to face the fact that I’m growing up and aging.  I was surprised a few weeks ago when my 5 year old stood at the office door 20 minutes past bedtime talking about how he couldn’t go to sleep.  My mind reeled back to my own boyhood memories of lying in bed, trying to fall asleep to the muggy summer breeze.  My mind was racing at all hours with the activities of today and tomorrow.  As Ethan stands in the door, this is a moment he could remember as an adult.  And as he rests his chin on the door handle, I realize just how big he’s grown.

I guess my boys are growing up.  I got clipped when Eli was 1, so I guess this is the end of our family, unless we decide to adopt.  My family won’t grow, only age.  My boys will grow, and I’ll watch in awe.

As I page through the friends of facebook, my mind gets stuck…in high school…in college…as a newlywed…in my career…as a new father…  But I still can’t conceive the mindset of being a Dad.  I still have the mindset of my own boyhood, but I can’t conceptualize fatherhood from the perspective from my children’s perspective.  They look to me as their father!  Wow/ouch!  There’s so many more people that are responsible and deserving…  I can’t get my mind around what my five year old said as I left his bedroom tonight, “I’ll see you on Father’s Day dad!” He was giving me the traditional goodnight thumbs up as I left the room. 

Saturday’s are so busy at my store (as are most other days I work) that I may not see him awake tomorrow.  Although he’s excited about Father’s day, and overlooked Saturday, Sunday may very well be the next day I see him.  My boys are growing up…with or without me.  So many things in life consume me…my time.  I have to remember that I want my boys’ memories to be of a father that took time, not a father at work.  Memories of a father who helped the 5 year old assemble a Peter Pan sword and pull crawdads out of a creek.  Memories of a dad who waited for his two year old to say goodnight to ALL THINGS in Roanoke before falling asleep in his father’s arms.

I hope I don’t let them down.  I just can’t get my mind around it all.  Things are changing so fast!!!

~ by rekrapsirhc on June 14, 2008.